YO NICK (originally published March 1995 in Swerve magazine)

YO NICK 

(originally published March 1995 in Swerve magazine)

Be they serious or inane, Nick D’Angelo answers your queries and responds to your opinions.  If you have a burning question that needs answering - or just want to get something off your chest, write to Yo Nick, PO Box [redacted], Dominion Rd, Auckland 1003.  Keep your letters brief and to the point - we reserves the right to edit for length.

What’s the real reason Fiona McDonald quit the Headless Chickens?

- T Burnett, Pakuranga.

Contrary to their ‘alternative’ image, the Chickens are really just your average Joes.  Some are married, some have children, some have mortgages, ie they’re just like you and me.  Fiona’s decision to leave came about when the rest of the band refused to let her fly to San Diego to be at the bedside of her boyfriend, who had lost part of his finger sailing on Chris Dickson’s Tag Heuer.  The Chickens were due to play Big Day Out that weekend and felt that Fiona’s vocal contribution was essential, so they hid her passport.

Why is urine yellow?

- Curious, Parnell

So you know not to drink it by mistake.

Do you know how I can write to Rene Naufahu?  I think he’s just the spunkiest and went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show twice just to see and hear him perform.  Can you confirm if he has a girlfriend?  My friend says he does but in the Shortland Street mag he was wearing a t-shirt that said ‘Single’.

- ‘Mrs Aleni’, Mt Roskill.

Girlfriend, if you went to see RHPS twice you must be a big fan.  Writing to Rene is easy: first you need a pen and some paper, then you write words on it.  Your friend is right, Ren does have a girlfriend - lots in fact.  The t-shirt is because he’s an old fashioned guy: he only sleeps with them one at a time.

Who’s the biggest bunch of wussies - Boys II Men or All For One?

- Lance Manuel, Te Atatu

A difficult choice Lance, they both make really bad music.  All For One win the prize however because they are a ‘manufactured’ group - a record producer held auditions until he got the right mix of ethnic and vocal styles.  Although they aren’t the first group to be put together this way, I also don’t like them because they dress real bad (as in bad) and look like they go to Church too much.

We the undersigned would like to register our disapproval of Drew Barrymore posing nude for Playboy.  She may think she’s exercising her freedom of sexual expression as a woman, but she’s really just another victim of male sexploitation.

- [Names withheld], Westlake Girls.

I didn’t publish your names because some of them were in the same handwriting so you could be pulling my leg.  Often famous women pose nude in order to stop a magazine publishing unauthorised nude shots - usually taken while pissed at a party, or by an unscrupulous ex-boyfriend.  Whilst here for Big Day Out (her boyfriend is the guitarist in Hole) Drew told me she did them ‘because I felt like it’.

Is Michael Jackson still married to Lisa Marie Presley?  I read they’d split up, then that they hadn’t, then that Lisa’s mother was trying to annul the wedding.  What’s the truth, and how can I write to Michael?  If he’s available I’d like to correspond with a view to marriage.

- J Leach, Auckland 1.

Writing to Michael is easy: first you need a pen and some paper… seriously, if you want to write to Jacko you can fax him c/o MJJ Productions at 001-310-478-7966. To be honest I really haven’t kept up with the Michael Jackson stories.  Last I heard he was thrown out of the Babysitters Club - but that was some time ago.

The job market is so bad I’m considering a life of crime.  Any suggestions?

- Avago, Taupo

My sincere advice is don’t do it, because it’s a fact that you’ll get caught eventually.  If you must do it then my only tip is don’t tell anyone, because whoever you tell will tell someone else… who’ll tell someone else… who’ll tell someone else… etc etc.  And one of those people will dob you in.

Know any good jokes?

- Anon.

Yes, plenty.

I’m absolutely fed up with all the commercials on TV..  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  TVNZ have to chop the shows down so they can fit in moredads!!  I think I’ll

(this is all I could recover via Text Recovery, since my Snow Leopard can’t read files from last century…)

~ Nick D’Angelo